A friend who parents another special needs child asked me whether we worried about nurses coming in and out of our house. Our daughter’s profound disability means that she needs someone with her every minute, and she has approval for 24-hour nursing, although a nursing shortage means that we don’t have very shift covered (which can make for really long “shifts” for dad and brother sometimes).
Because of the increasing spread of COVID-19, she said, “I’m getting more concerned by the hour…. I just need to hear from another parent in the same position.”
I have no idea if what I told her helped. Just in case, though, here is an edited version of my reply to her.
Insight from another tradition
Here’s part of it: there is a story in modern Zen Buddhism (by which I mean the story only dates from (I think) the 1960s rather than ancient times) of a “master” in California who had a favorite drinking glass. Since monks have few if any possessions, a favorite anything is pretty significant. One day it got knocked off a table and broken.
The students thought the master would be upset, but he just swept up the pieces and put them in the trash. When they asked him about it, he said, “I viewed the glass as broken the day I received it. So every day since has been a gift.”
This isn’t fatalism like, “God knows my time. When it’s up, it’s up. So I’m not going to worry about it.” That attitude can lead people to take crazy chances, like we see among people who continue to congregate, etc. I have all kinds of theological issues with that idea that I won’t bother to go into here. But the Zen master’s attitude reflects a Biblical one. We are extremely limited in what we can control. Trying to control every aspect of life will only suck all the life out of life.
I won’t say I’m not concerned about the nurses coming in, possibly bringing the virus with them. I just figure Hannah would be in more danger without them, because there’s a limit to what we can do for her.
Every relationship here will end
Couple that with a somber realization that every single relationship on this earth will end someday somehow. Consider my wife and me: one day one of us will die. Consider Hannah and me: one day I will die or she will die. It WILL happen. I have considerable influence over when, but I don’t have control. While impermanence is one of the key insights of Buddhism, it is also one of the key insights of Solomon.
For me, “God is in control” doesn’t mean that he pulls all the strings, like a puppet master. He could, but he has given us free will. “In control” just means that in the long run the outcome has already been determined. A lot can go “wrong” in the short run, but he has not left me alone to face it, and he will take what goes “wrong” and bring good out of it. That keeps me from going insane with worry.
Focus on what I can control
It also keeps my eyes open and focused on what is mine to do. To switch metaphors, I can plant the seed and water the crop, but only God knows the harvest. So I will wash my hands, and I will also trust the nurses to wash their hands (but I will check).
And I know grief will come in some fashion, because that’s what comes with love in the context of impermanence. That’s the nature of living within the time-bound world, at least until we reach a world beyond time. In the meantime, I try to savor each day as a gift.
I hope that helps a little bit.
Peace.
You are a gift.